Kemarin saya ke kelurahan dan kecamatan setempat untuk mengurus surat domisili perusahaan dan surat PM1/ surat pengantar. Saya perlu dokumen2 ini untuk aplikasi Surat Ijin Usaha di kantor walikota.
Sesuai mentalitas dan budaya korupsi kita, oleh pegawai kelurahan, saya diminta untuk membayar biaya "administrasi' sebesar Rp 300.000.
Berhubung saya sudah mendapat informasi dari kantor walikota Jakarta Pusat bahwa pengurusan surat-surat ini bebas biaya, saya menolak untuk membayar biaya tidak jelas ini dan berusahalah mereka mempersulit saya.
Ibu pegawai kelurahan : Mbak, untuk mengeluarkan surat keterangan domisili ini Mbak harus melampirkan akte dari notaris ABC, surat ini dan itu.
Saya kebetulan sudah membaca persyaratan aplikasi dokumen yang saya butuhkan di buku tata hukum pemda DKI Jakarta sehingga saya dapat menjawab bahwa dengan neraca dibawah sekian ratus juta dan investasi dibawah limit tertentu, saya tidak diwajibkan melampirkan akte notaris, surat ini dan itu.
Ibu pegawai kelurahan : Masa sih? Saya baru dengar tuh.
Saya : Iya Bu. Memang begitu hukumnya sesuai pasal sekian. Atau Ibu bisa langsung kontak Kanwil pusat untuk konfirmasi.
Ibu pegawai kelurahan pun diam dan mengeluarkan dokumen yang saya minta. Masuklah saya ke kantor lurah untuk mengemis tanda tangan beliau yang mahal :)
Pak wakil lurah, Sarjana sosial : Mbak tahu kan, dokumen ini ada biayanya?
Saya : Tidak tahu tuh, Pak. Saya diberi tahu oleh kantor walikota sih tidak ada biayanya.
PWL S.Sos : Iya memang, tapi saya tidak enak sama yang kerja disini, karena kita kan ada target bulanan, bla bla
Saya : Pak, saya kan warga masyarakat yang membayar pajak. Dokumen ini adalah hak saya. Dan jika memang saya harus bayar, saya minta tanda terima resmi. Lagipula teman saya yang jurnalis Kompas dan sering meliput ke kelurahan dan kecamatan lain bersama KPK juga bilang bahwa dokumen ini tidak terkena biaya apa-apa.
PWL S.Sos : ...... (diam, menandatangani dokumen saya). Ya udah, ini cap diluar sana ya Mbak.
Saya : Iya. Terima kasih ya pak.
Selesai di kelurahan, lanjutlah saya ke kecamatan.
Terulanglah kejadian yang sama, saya dimintai biaya administrasi oleh mbak pegawai kecamatan yang masih muda dan cantik.
Si mbak cantik : Ini, bu. Sudah dicap dokumennya. Tolong dilunasi biaya administrasi sebesar Rp 100.000
Saya : Bayar ya, mbak? Kata kantor walikota pusat harusnya bebas biaya loh
Mbak cantik : Ada biayanya koq Bu.
Saya : Ok mbak. Tapi saya mau lihat daftar retribusi resminya ya Mbak, sama tanda terima dengan kop resmi.
Mbak cantik : Ya sebenarnya ini bukan biaya administrasi resmi sih Bu.. Ini zakat yang nantinya akan ditransfer ke rekening kantor walikota.
Saya : Oh, Zakat ya Mbak? Kalau begitu suka rela donk ya? Kebetulan nih Mbak, besok saya mau mengurus surat ke Kanwil. Saya bayar zakatnya langsung disana saja ya Mbak." (sambil senyum maniiiiis)
Mbak cantik : Iya bisa Bu. (senyum kecut)
Saya : Terima kasih, Mbak. (cabut dari tempat kejadian perkara)
Sebut saya idealis, tapi saya tidak mau tunduk pada budaya korupsi disini. Saya membayar pajak sesuai kewajiban saya, menyuapi para pegawai pemerintahan bukan kewajiban saya.
Yang lebih miris lagi adalah fakta bahwa para pegawai pemerintahan ini benar-benar tidak pandang bulu dalam memeras warga. Salah satu pegawai saya bercerita bahwa ia selalu diperas oleh pegawai kelurahan tiap kali mengurus surat, bahkan saat dia mengurus surat keterangan tidak mampu. Bayangkan, jelas-jelas maunya mengurus surat keterangan tidak mampu yang artinya ya dia tidak mampu, koq masih diperas? Aih Indonesia..
Tapi saya cukup optimis deh sama masa depan Indonesia. Saat saya mengurus dokumen di tingkat birokrasi yang lebih tinggi seperti kantor dirjen pajak, kantor walikota, kantor imigrasi, komdak, tidak ada pungutan biaya liar tuh :) Saya tidak tahu apakah hal ini karena adanya kesadaran pribadi atau karena sorotan media. Apapun alasannya, hasilnya menyenangkan :)
September 2, 2012
Korban pemerasan yang memang suka diperas
Di blog entry sebelumnya saya bercerita tentang praktek korupsi di kelurahan dan kecamatan.
Nah sesudah kejadian usaha pemerasan ini saya bercerita kepada teman-teman saya. Intinya saya bilang kepada mereka, eh, ternyata bisa koq ngurus dokumen tanpa keluar uang sepeserpun.
Tanggapan mereka yang negatif cukup mengejutkan.
Salah satu teman bilang,"Kenapa ga lo tawar aja? Lo itu kan orang bisnis, harusnya lo bisa mikir untung rugi, bisa forward thinking. Ntar gara-gara lo belagu, kedepannya dipersulit. Lo kan harusnya bisa menempatkan diri. Harus banyak belajar deh lo tuh."
Saya bengong. "Loh, kenapa saya harus menawar kalau memang sesuai hukum seharusnya bebas biaya?"
"Saya harus banyak belajar apa? Mendukung praktek korupsi?" Dan bagaimana pegawai pemerintahan itu bisa mempersulit saya jika saya mengetahui undang-undang yang berlaku dan juga hak dan kewajiban saya sebagai warga.
Teman satu lagi bilang,"Yaah, 100.000 doank, bayar aja lah, daripada ngotot-ngototan. Bukannya duit gede toh. Pelit amat deh lo. Lagian lo kan cina, kudu pinter nempatin diri donk sebagai minoritas. Udah biasalah kalo ngurus gituan mah pasti pake duit". FYI, dia cina juga.
Saya jadi berpikir, pantas saja budaya korupsi berkembang subur di Indonesia. Lah wong yang dipalak aja demen dipalak.. Malah saya yang ga mau dipalak yang diomelin. Haha.
Agak miris deh tapi.. Ok, kalau yang dipalak itu orang yang kurang tingkat edukasinya masih wajar, tapi teman-teman saya kan ngakunya lulusan luar, S2 lagi.
Saya menyalahkan ignorance, kemalasan, zona nyaman/ kebiasaan, inferioritas, ketakutan yang memicu budaya "demen dipalak" ini.
1. Ignorance
Saya yakin teman-teman saya ini mungkin bahkan tidak tahu persyaratan dan tata cara pembuatan dokumen, apalagi dasar hukumnya. Selama ini pake duit, semua jadi.
2. Kemalasan
Males repot. Kalo pake duit bisa kelar ngapain repot ribut? Cuma Rp 100.000 ini.
3. Kebiasaan
Saking biasanya jadi sesuatu yang benar. Mayoritas melakukan hal ini, jadi kalau kita tidak mengikuti, kita salah deh pasti. Toh itu sesuatu yang biasa koq.
4. Inferioritas
Jaman gini masih merasa inferior sebagai suku tertentu? Maaf saja, kita punya hak yang sama sebagai warga negara. Lagipula bukan hanya yang sipit koq diperas, pegawai saya yang Sunda juga diperas.
5. Ketakutan
Kita memang bangsa Bediende. Bangsa budak, penurut, takut pada otoritas. Bahkan pada otoritas yang menyalahgunakan kekuasaan. Tidak mempunyai keberanian untuk mendobrak, kita memenjarakan diri sendiri.
Jadi intinya, kita protes, berteriak-teriak saat diperas. Tetapi kita juga tidak melakukan apapun untuk melawan. Malahan kita mencaci maki orang yang tidak tinggal diam dan berenang melawan arus.
Tidak heran bukan bila korupsi di negara ini bisa begitu suburnya. Ada demand, ada supply. Ada yang memeras, ada yang suka diperas.
Saya memperhatikan, banyak TKI dan TKW yang diperas oleh petugas imigrasi di airport, tapi tidak ada yang pernah mencoba memeras saya. Kenapa? Karena saya tahu apa yang saya lakukan dan saya tidak mau diperas. Tidak ada yang bisa melakukan itu jika kita tidak membiarkan dan tidak merasa diri layak menjadi korban pemerasan.
"Tidak ada yang dapat membuat kita merasa inferior tanpa seijin kita." - E. Roosevelt
Keras tetapi benar, teman, adalah fakta bahwa budaya atau kebiasaan itu belum tentu sebuah kebenaran. Hanya karena semua orang melakukan dan menerima hal itu tidak menjadikan itu sesuatu yang benar.
Sungguh, saya mengerti perasaan si monyet baru yang mencoba menaiki tangga. Tapi tidak peduli bagaimanapun, saya tidak akan berhenti mencoba menaiki tangga itu.
Ah, enaknya jadi beda... :D
Nah sesudah kejadian usaha pemerasan ini saya bercerita kepada teman-teman saya. Intinya saya bilang kepada mereka, eh, ternyata bisa koq ngurus dokumen tanpa keluar uang sepeserpun.
Tanggapan mereka yang negatif cukup mengejutkan.
Salah satu teman bilang,"Kenapa ga lo tawar aja? Lo itu kan orang bisnis, harusnya lo bisa mikir untung rugi, bisa forward thinking. Ntar gara-gara lo belagu, kedepannya dipersulit. Lo kan harusnya bisa menempatkan diri. Harus banyak belajar deh lo tuh."
Saya bengong. "Loh, kenapa saya harus menawar kalau memang sesuai hukum seharusnya bebas biaya?"
"Saya harus banyak belajar apa? Mendukung praktek korupsi?" Dan bagaimana pegawai pemerintahan itu bisa mempersulit saya jika saya mengetahui undang-undang yang berlaku dan juga hak dan kewajiban saya sebagai warga.
Teman satu lagi bilang,"Yaah, 100.000 doank, bayar aja lah, daripada ngotot-ngototan. Bukannya duit gede toh. Pelit amat deh lo. Lagian lo kan cina, kudu pinter nempatin diri donk sebagai minoritas. Udah biasalah kalo ngurus gituan mah pasti pake duit". FYI, dia cina juga.
Saya jadi berpikir, pantas saja budaya korupsi berkembang subur di Indonesia. Lah wong yang dipalak aja demen dipalak.. Malah saya yang ga mau dipalak yang diomelin. Haha.
Agak miris deh tapi.. Ok, kalau yang dipalak itu orang yang kurang tingkat edukasinya masih wajar, tapi teman-teman saya kan ngakunya lulusan luar, S2 lagi.
Saya menyalahkan ignorance, kemalasan, zona nyaman/ kebiasaan, inferioritas, ketakutan yang memicu budaya "demen dipalak" ini.
1. Ignorance
Saya yakin teman-teman saya ini mungkin bahkan tidak tahu persyaratan dan tata cara pembuatan dokumen, apalagi dasar hukumnya. Selama ini pake duit, semua jadi.
2. Kemalasan
Males repot. Kalo pake duit bisa kelar ngapain repot ribut? Cuma Rp 100.000 ini.
3. Kebiasaan
Saking biasanya jadi sesuatu yang benar. Mayoritas melakukan hal ini, jadi kalau kita tidak mengikuti, kita salah deh pasti. Toh itu sesuatu yang biasa koq.
4. Inferioritas
Jaman gini masih merasa inferior sebagai suku tertentu? Maaf saja, kita punya hak yang sama sebagai warga negara. Lagipula bukan hanya yang sipit koq diperas, pegawai saya yang Sunda juga diperas.
5. Ketakutan
Kita memang bangsa Bediende. Bangsa budak, penurut, takut pada otoritas. Bahkan pada otoritas yang menyalahgunakan kekuasaan. Tidak mempunyai keberanian untuk mendobrak, kita memenjarakan diri sendiri.
Jadi intinya, kita protes, berteriak-teriak saat diperas. Tetapi kita juga tidak melakukan apapun untuk melawan. Malahan kita mencaci maki orang yang tidak tinggal diam dan berenang melawan arus.
Tidak heran bukan bila korupsi di negara ini bisa begitu suburnya. Ada demand, ada supply. Ada yang memeras, ada yang suka diperas.
Saya memperhatikan, banyak TKI dan TKW yang diperas oleh petugas imigrasi di airport, tapi tidak ada yang pernah mencoba memeras saya. Kenapa? Karena saya tahu apa yang saya lakukan dan saya tidak mau diperas. Tidak ada yang bisa melakukan itu jika kita tidak membiarkan dan tidak merasa diri layak menjadi korban pemerasan.
"Tidak ada yang dapat membuat kita merasa inferior tanpa seijin kita." - E. Roosevelt
Keras tetapi benar, teman, adalah fakta bahwa budaya atau kebiasaan itu belum tentu sebuah kebenaran. Hanya karena semua orang melakukan dan menerima hal itu tidak menjadikan itu sesuatu yang benar.
Sungguh, saya mengerti perasaan si monyet baru yang mencoba menaiki tangga. Tapi tidak peduli bagaimanapun, saya tidak akan berhenti mencoba menaiki tangga itu.
Ah, enaknya jadi beda... :D
August 23, 2012
A musing on our negative society
A friend asked me to go out with him as he's feeling a bit depressed. He told me that he liked hanging out with me because I could shed positive light on his gloomy point of view, I was his source of happiness.
I texted him back,"Ok. Btw, a child can teach an adult to be happy with no reason -Paulo Coelho"
He replied,"Yeah, and tell me if you can reason with a child about anything at all."
I just smiled and thought to myself, how sad is it, that we always need a reason to be happy, be it a certain someone, a certain something, the list goes on.
We always think if we have this or that, we'll be happy. I used to think if I were healthy, if I had a normal family, I would be happy. But it isn't true.. No matter what we have, we will never be happy as long we keep focusing on things we don't have. My friends who are prettier, healthier, have nice families, have their God, etc aren't happier than me..
I honestly think we can just BE happy with no reason. Try sitting in silence for a while, smile and focus on being present in the moment, and you'll be happy. Without reason :)
Because in the present moment there's no unhappiness. Unhappiness, pain happened in the past, a month ago, two seconds ago.. If we keep thinking and replaying the past in our mind, no wonder we'll always need a reason to be happy.. It is better called distracting ourselves from the past moments by setting other triggers or expectations.
Our society teaches us to be unhappy. To achieve more, not to settle down for less. The drive to achieve is not a bad thing, obviously. But we need to find the balance at some point.
I noticed something quite interesting.. I saw a lady dancing alone with her Ipod, smiling and enjoying herself while waiting for the train in a Berlin train station. People stared at her, frowning and shaking their heads.. I overheard two older ladies asking each other if the dancing lady was out of her mind. I just smiled and continued watching the dancing lady.. It felt liberating to see her joy, her enjoying the moment.
A few weeks later, I saw a lady crying in the subway.. Strangely enough, people reacted differently. Most people paid no attention to her, as if it was something totally normal. Some sympathized, but she didn't get any frowns nor stares from people.
It is normal to be happy when you're dancing in the park to the beats of music with strangers around you, but it isn't normal to be alone and happy. Whereas if you're sad, it's always acceptable in community or in private. It's becoming a widely accepted standard, to be happy we need stimulants, whereas we don't need any specific reason to be sad
It struck me then, our society is built to be able to accept sadness without reason, but have difficulties accepting happiness with no reason. We even justify sadness without reasons in many ways, winter blues, mild depression, etc.. blaming the lack of endorphin or function failures of our brain synapses.
But ironically, we always have to keep looking for reasons to be happy.. Music, external substances, achievements, etc. Why can't we just do nothing and be happy, crediting our own capability of producing endorphin?
There are pills to boost our mood, to suppress our sadness, because we are programmed to think that happiness is something to be achieved, whereas we can just BE sad. Let's take another twist to this kind of thinking. If we can simply BE sad why can't we just let ourselves BE happy as well?
My fave TV program is currently the Dog Whisperer. It always amazes me to see how easy a dog can change it's behaviors in a matter of minutes. Dogs (or animals) do not live in the past. Their misbehaviors are usually because they are following a pattern.. But once Cesar Millan (the dog whisperer) trained these dogs, they changed blitz-fast. It makes me realize how complicated people are.. We harbor resentment and trauma, reliving the past, predicting the future based on our past experiences.. Dogs live in the moment and let go of their past. As Cesar said, it is far easier to rehabilitate a dog than a human.
A dear friend is still harboring excruciating pain from her past.. I asked her quietly if it's so painful, why did she relive the past every single time.. She snapped at me and said that I wouldn't be able to understand traumata, it's different from normal pain. I sensed somehow that she's somewhat afraid to move on, to let go of her trauma, the source of her justification and pity party. Ah well, but who am I anyway to throw accusations at her? I never walked in her shoes and I will stop holding my own way and opinions. I just hope that she'll find her peace of mind eventually.
I texted him back,"Ok. Btw, a child can teach an adult to be happy with no reason -Paulo Coelho"
He replied,"Yeah, and tell me if you can reason with a child about anything at all."
I just smiled and thought to myself, how sad is it, that we always need a reason to be happy, be it a certain someone, a certain something, the list goes on.
We always think if we have this or that, we'll be happy. I used to think if I were healthy, if I had a normal family, I would be happy. But it isn't true.. No matter what we have, we will never be happy as long we keep focusing on things we don't have. My friends who are prettier, healthier, have nice families, have their God, etc aren't happier than me..
I honestly think we can just BE happy with no reason. Try sitting in silence for a while, smile and focus on being present in the moment, and you'll be happy. Without reason :)
Because in the present moment there's no unhappiness. Unhappiness, pain happened in the past, a month ago, two seconds ago.. If we keep thinking and replaying the past in our mind, no wonder we'll always need a reason to be happy.. It is better called distracting ourselves from the past moments by setting other triggers or expectations.
Our society teaches us to be unhappy. To achieve more, not to settle down for less. The drive to achieve is not a bad thing, obviously. But we need to find the balance at some point.
I noticed something quite interesting.. I saw a lady dancing alone with her Ipod, smiling and enjoying herself while waiting for the train in a Berlin train station. People stared at her, frowning and shaking their heads.. I overheard two older ladies asking each other if the dancing lady was out of her mind. I just smiled and continued watching the dancing lady.. It felt liberating to see her joy, her enjoying the moment.
A few weeks later, I saw a lady crying in the subway.. Strangely enough, people reacted differently. Most people paid no attention to her, as if it was something totally normal. Some sympathized, but she didn't get any frowns nor stares from people.
It is normal to be happy when you're dancing in the park to the beats of music with strangers around you, but it isn't normal to be alone and happy. Whereas if you're sad, it's always acceptable in community or in private. It's becoming a widely accepted standard, to be happy we need stimulants, whereas we don't need any specific reason to be sad
It struck me then, our society is built to be able to accept sadness without reason, but have difficulties accepting happiness with no reason. We even justify sadness without reasons in many ways, winter blues, mild depression, etc.. blaming the lack of endorphin or function failures of our brain synapses.
But ironically, we always have to keep looking for reasons to be happy.. Music, external substances, achievements, etc. Why can't we just do nothing and be happy, crediting our own capability of producing endorphin?
There are pills to boost our mood, to suppress our sadness, because we are programmed to think that happiness is something to be achieved, whereas we can just BE sad. Let's take another twist to this kind of thinking. If we can simply BE sad why can't we just let ourselves BE happy as well?
My fave TV program is currently the Dog Whisperer. It always amazes me to see how easy a dog can change it's behaviors in a matter of minutes. Dogs (or animals) do not live in the past. Their misbehaviors are usually because they are following a pattern.. But once Cesar Millan (the dog whisperer) trained these dogs, they changed blitz-fast. It makes me realize how complicated people are.. We harbor resentment and trauma, reliving the past, predicting the future based on our past experiences.. Dogs live in the moment and let go of their past. As Cesar said, it is far easier to rehabilitate a dog than a human.
A dear friend is still harboring excruciating pain from her past.. I asked her quietly if it's so painful, why did she relive the past every single time.. She snapped at me and said that I wouldn't be able to understand traumata, it's different from normal pain. I sensed somehow that she's somewhat afraid to move on, to let go of her trauma, the source of her justification and pity party. Ah well, but who am I anyway to throw accusations at her? I never walked in her shoes and I will stop holding my own way and opinions. I just hope that she'll find her peace of mind eventually.
August 7, 2012
August 2, 2012
Dealing with anger and resentment
I won't lie.
Sometimes I do feel very angry at my mom. I resent her at those crazy times. I'm torn between the guilt of resenting my own mom and the love for her.
To give her the justice, I know very well that she loves me very much in her own way. She cooked me my favorite meals, she bought me expensive jewelery (though I don't like them), she wanted to give me everything money can buy. I know this is her own way of showing her love.
But sometimes when things are hard, I caught myself thinking,"Why do I always have to be the patient, responsible and the more mature one? How old is she, and how old am I, bitte schoen? Why do I have to parent my own parent? Why do I always have to neglect my feelings and focus on hers instead? Is it fair that I have to deal with my own physical pain (surgeries, scoliosis back pain etc), my own self esteem plus her insanity?"
But hey, it is what it is. She is who she is.
If I can't change things, then I have to change my way of thinking.
If I can't change her, then I guess I just have to be the change I wanted to see in her.
I may feel that it is not fair, but I am not the center of the universe, aren't I? So, at some point, I have to stop focusing on my own pity party and start focusing on being a better person instead. And I won't stop the rain by complaining either.
Somehow I've learned that nothing lasts forever, that every emotion will pass, be it good or bad. Anger, hatred, resentment won't last, and I've learned the hard way that if I let those emotions get the best of me, the one who's going to suffer in the end is myself. The more you think about the anger, the more you replay those bad things people did, the more you'll hurt yourself.
The Zen guru, Thich Nhat Hanh said, if your house got burned down by a certain person, what are you going to do first? Trying to put the fire down or trying to catch the person who did it? A food for thought. I prefer the first choice :)
Another way to make it even more acceptable. I believe in the Karma concept, though I don't really believe in reincarnation. Maybe.. I owe my mom, the universe, whatever, a lot in the past (or the future), and my karma is now ripening. I know this sounds a bit contradictory to my statement of not believing in reincarnation, but hey, this makes me tick.. So bear with me, ok? :D It helps me put things in a more positive perspective.
I know some western-minded readers would think I'm crazy, a masochist. The me two years ago would think exactly the same way.. Some people would encourage me to dig deeper, release the anger, psychoanalyze. I've tried. And it didn't bring me the peace of mind I'm looking for. The more I dig and read about the borderline disorder, the more I analyze, the more hurtful it becomes, the more unfair it seems.
I have put my past hurts here in writing. And my way of moving forward is to let go. I do not want to write about borderline signs and tendencies anymore.. My mom will still drive me crazy in the future, but I refuse to look back, replay and analyze those things she did in the past anymore. I'll take the higher ground.
Holding on to the past is fun, I admit. It feeds my ego, justifies my right to be angry. But let see the after effect, what good does it bring me? Nothing.
I might be an idealist, but practicing mindfulness, awareness of my own emotions, letting go are more practical and useful than those skeleton-digging-psychoanalysis things. I'm not saying modern psychology doesn't work. Surely it does to many people, but it is just not my cup of tea. I'm a vintage girl who prefers to curl on a 2500-year-old-buddhist couch to an avant-garde Freudian one ;)
I have to say, I am where I am right now because of my dad and his very Yoda way of thinking :D He is the epitome of my accumulated good karma, I guess :)
And to Yoda I'll say Amen.
Sometimes I do feel very angry at my mom. I resent her at those crazy times. I'm torn between the guilt of resenting my own mom and the love for her.
To give her the justice, I know very well that she loves me very much in her own way. She cooked me my favorite meals, she bought me expensive jewelery (though I don't like them), she wanted to give me everything money can buy. I know this is her own way of showing her love.
But sometimes when things are hard, I caught myself thinking,"Why do I always have to be the patient, responsible and the more mature one? How old is she, and how old am I, bitte schoen? Why do I have to parent my own parent? Why do I always have to neglect my feelings and focus on hers instead? Is it fair that I have to deal with my own physical pain (surgeries, scoliosis back pain etc), my own self esteem plus her insanity?"
But hey, it is what it is. She is who she is.
If I can't change things, then I have to change my way of thinking.
If I can't change her, then I guess I just have to be the change I wanted to see in her.
I may feel that it is not fair, but I am not the center of the universe, aren't I? So, at some point, I have to stop focusing on my own pity party and start focusing on being a better person instead. And I won't stop the rain by complaining either.
Somehow I've learned that nothing lasts forever, that every emotion will pass, be it good or bad. Anger, hatred, resentment won't last, and I've learned the hard way that if I let those emotions get the best of me, the one who's going to suffer in the end is myself. The more you think about the anger, the more you replay those bad things people did, the more you'll hurt yourself.
The Zen guru, Thich Nhat Hanh said, if your house got burned down by a certain person, what are you going to do first? Trying to put the fire down or trying to catch the person who did it? A food for thought. I prefer the first choice :)
Another way to make it even more acceptable. I believe in the Karma concept, though I don't really believe in reincarnation. Maybe.. I owe my mom, the universe, whatever, a lot in the past (or the future), and my karma is now ripening. I know this sounds a bit contradictory to my statement of not believing in reincarnation, but hey, this makes me tick.. So bear with me, ok? :D It helps me put things in a more positive perspective.
I know some western-minded readers would think I'm crazy, a masochist. The me two years ago would think exactly the same way.. Some people would encourage me to dig deeper, release the anger, psychoanalyze. I've tried. And it didn't bring me the peace of mind I'm looking for. The more I dig and read about the borderline disorder, the more I analyze, the more hurtful it becomes, the more unfair it seems.
I have put my past hurts here in writing. And my way of moving forward is to let go. I do not want to write about borderline signs and tendencies anymore.. My mom will still drive me crazy in the future, but I refuse to look back, replay and analyze those things she did in the past anymore. I'll take the higher ground.
Holding on to the past is fun, I admit. It feeds my ego, justifies my right to be angry. But let see the after effect, what good does it bring me? Nothing.
I might be an idealist, but practicing mindfulness, awareness of my own emotions, letting go are more practical and useful than those skeleton-digging-psychoanalysis things. I'm not saying modern psychology doesn't work. Surely it does to many people, but it is just not my cup of tea. I'm a vintage girl who prefers to curl on a 2500-year-old-buddhist couch to an avant-garde Freudian one ;)
I have to say, I am where I am right now because of my dad and his very Yoda way of thinking :D He is the epitome of my accumulated good karma, I guess :)
And to Yoda I'll say Amen.
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