January 4, 2012

Requiem for my christianity

I think I've officially stopped looking for God and I stopped calling myself a Christian. Well, this didn't come to me as a shock, but still kinda surprising. It happened on Christmas night when I attended the mass, as we're about to say the apostle's creed "I believe in one God, Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth, ...", somehow I couldn't bring myself to say it. I don't believe in it anymore. I don't believe in the Bible, that it comes from God, written by men inspired by holy spirit. I do not believe in Jesus as THE only way, the truth and the light.

I do believe that there's a bigger power out there that exceeds our capacity of understanding, maybe it's indeed an almighty god, the universe, whatever. I have no answer to this and I'll leave this question open. And I do believe Jesus existed in the first place. So I won't necessarily call myself an atheist. But I can't accept the christian dogma that Jesus is the son of God, that I have to believe in Him as my savior and my god to be saved from eternal hell, despite of all the good deeds that I've done. I just can't accept this concept of an egocentric god who forces me to shut down my brain, denies me of answers and expects me to worship him, or else I'll burn eternally. And seeing as he is supposedly to know what I feel and think, I can't fool him by playing hypocrite either, saying I believe just because I fear the punishment. Either way, I'm going down apparently.

I've tried hard to abandon my logic 'head' and to listen more to my 'heart'. You might say I didn't try hard enough, well, I did. I spent more than two decades trying to find him, and still I got nothing. Maybe my creator doesn't think I'm good enough that he has to hide himself from me. In the critical times, when I was about to leave my faith, I was hovering at the door for years, unsure if I wanted to step out or step back in, but he never stopped me from going, never called my name and asked me to stay either. Apparently I wasn't important enough, he was too busy tending to his other good lambs that he didn't notice me leaving the herd. Hm, to think that I would even be happy to receive a lightning strike...

And honestly, it's not my fault that I was born in the 20th century, with good access to knowledge, having read lots of books while having a dad who is rational and a devoted Buddhist in addition. It's not my fault either that I'm equipped with a critical brain, that tends to ask questions. My parents told me even as a kid, I had been asking about stuffs all the time, that they bought me sets of encyclopedia just to stop me from harassing them with my endless questioning. I never chose my family nor my circumstances. If he wanted me to be a deaf and blind believer, then he might as well put me back in 14th century or maybe in a christian fundamentalist family with no access to knowledge. I might grow up as an avid believer, maybe even a crusader.

But the problem is he's supposed to be the one putting me in these shoes and having known about the church, bible and it's history, I've come to a realization that the bible isn't a god-sent holy scripture anyway.
It's a collection of people's stories, written based on their own perceptions. And who decided whose collections were good enough to be put in the bible? The early church and it's consensus. And what drove them? Politics and power.
Who decides if Jesus is the literal or figurative son of God? Please read about the First Council of Nicaea. The concept of Jesus' deity? Ask Constantine who worshiped a pagan sun god.

So, based on what evidence can I say that Jesus is the only way, maybe he didn't say so himself. Maybe the politicians changed what was originally stated in the scripture. History is written by the winners, isn't it? If Hitler had won the war, he might've described himself as Gandhi. Who knows?
Is the bible absolute and correct? Yes.
Who said so? The bible itself. Paradoxical, for me.
Reminds me somehow of Kim Jong Il and how the north koreans idolized him.

Well, now I left. And when someday he realizes that I'm not in the herd anymore and wants me back, I guess he'll know where to find me, wont he?
I really like Jesus's teachings about love, but apparently my not believing in his status as Son of God makes me unchristian (as this belief is the core of Christianity) and if the eternal hell is my consequence, so be it. Hm if you think of it, if you really believe that the almighty is great, good and just, won't you think he would have his own judgment system, for me, for the good and moral Moslems, Hindus, Buddhists, or gays out there? (who btw can't choose their sexuality and are doomed to deny their own sexuality for the rest of their life. Seriously, whoever said that this is a cross they need to carry are most definitely judgmental heterosexuals, who have never walked a mile in other people's shoes before). If that isn't the case, then come what may. As for now, the question of afterlife? Que sera sera.

No comments: