July 13, 2012

Ignorance of the brain-washed

*A post I wrote around a year ago. Before the death of my Christianity. Totally invested with arrogance :)

I still remember about someone who evangelized to me, saying that I would never be truly happy without Christ in my life. There's a void in my soul, which can only be filled by the holy spirit. I need to follow my heart, ask God to touch my heart, shutting down my reasoning, knowledge and brain.

I used to think maybe he's right and sincerely asked,"Is it really that easy? To shut down our brain and stop questioning?"
He answered,"Of course. Been there, done that. Just let it happen and without you realizing it, you'll probably start speaking in tounges. I'll support you." And he gave me a very reassuring smile.
Me: "Ok. Guide me."

After a while, I started to ask him a lot of questions about the bible, the church history, etc. How disappointed I was that he could never answer my questions and berate me for asking instead.

His typical response of my biblical questions is "I can't answer that. I've never questioned it. I just believe. I'll pray that God answers your questions directly."
His response of questions about the history of bible, first catholic church, crusades, etc : "What's crusade? Never heard of it. Well, I'm not interested in history as well. It's about the essence of a relationship with God. Just ignore the history. History can be tainted as well"
His response to evolution: "There's no proof of evolution. If there were evolution, why do monkeys still exist?"

I was exasperated.. It's so obvious that he never read anything apart from the Bible. This is a type of guy who never had friends from different religions nor backgrounds, never bothered to read nor watch "secular" stuffs, cringed everytime I mentioned my gay friends, saw his history and biology lessons in school as huge lies and propaganda against his belief. So are his fundamentalist church friends, unfortunately. It's really a pity seeing how far they would limit themselves.. How cozy they are in their box, closing their eyes, rejecting different ideas, people, the possibility that maybe there're other worlds out there.
I called them christian Taliban, who would burn Copernicus for saying the earth isn't the center of the universe, if they had the chance.

I told him quite arrogantly (I'm not proud of this),"You can't make me see that your restaurant is the best, if you've never eaten in other restaurants before. Go broaden your horizon. Read more about the world you're living in, ask questions about the history of your own belief, as it's ironic that I know more about your own belief than you. Stop focusing on the afterlife and make the most of your present life. Make more friends from different backgrounds, learn about other beliefs out there. Get out of your box. And we'll talk when you're there."

I know he won't. He's warm enough in the box, why would someone leave the nest if they could stay?

As for now, I'm still not sure of what true happiness really means, but I've experienced that fear of afterlife, damnation of my original sin, castration of freedom and intellectual eunuchism in Christianity do not bring me happiness.

Bittersweet Irony

I just felt the urge to comment on something irrelevant and unimportant :D
I was browsing on Facebook and saw a someone's profile picture on a friend's wall.

Profile name: I hate you (;D no kidding)
Profile picture: A local gospel album cover: God will have his way

I know, I know, she can do whatever she wants to, it's none of my business. But wouldn't it be nicer if she put on a Scream 2 poster or if she's so musical, Rammstein instead :D

The Art of Happiness

I have just recommended this book to a friend who had enough of religious dogmas (he was a moslem, fyi) and is looking for a more realistic/practical way to spirituality.
To be honest, I've read this book like ten years ago, having stolen the book from my parent's collection, but had completely forgotten what I read back then. Until recently, out of urgency of relieving myself and obsessive necessity of reading something, I just happened to grab this book.

This book is written by an american psychologist, who had the privilege of having discussions with H.H Dalai Lama. He questioned Dalai Lama's buddhist teaching with his western way of thinking, medical background, aggressive dualism, and selfishness.. to which I can relate so well. Regardless of my asian ethnicity, I grew up in a somewhat western environment. I went to a catholic school for 12 years, grew up reading western literature (from Enid Blyton to George Orwell), watching Disney channel and living in Germany for almost a decade did erode my being eastern.

What I like about the author, Howard Cutler, is his honesty about his frustration and confusion in dealing with the passive approach of Buddhism, how he finally realized how arrogant he was in hanging on to his direct psychoanalytical approach. I can see that he's not a spiritual guru. He's just.. me, a skeptical person who's brainwashed by the arrogance of modern education and religious dualism, questioning and looking for some answers in an unknown realm.. who in the end gained some enlightening insights to the concept of happiness, compassion and peace of mind. Not forgetting the Dalai Lama, I just love how he shows his tolerance and compassion, sharing his knowledge to non buddhist commoners like Dr. Cutler and me.

July 12, 2012

Dear you

This post is dedicated for someone who had been one of my greatest teachers in life, showing me what patience, stability, self esteem and integrity really mean.

Living with someone who’s highly unstable had made me realized how despicable I myself was back then. Sweating the small stuffs, extreme and unpredictable mood swings, dominating and controlling, splitting and thinking in black and white, being always right, getting hysterical over past hurts, immature and impulsive behaviors. I guess I have made your life a living hell and I am terribly sorry for all the emotional roller coaster rides I had put you through.

The biggest credit goes to you for being patient, strong and cool headed in dealing with me. It must be exhausting having to tiptoe on eggshells, not knowing when the lightning bolt would strike. Having lived for a few months in this madness exhausted me to the point I felt the urge to break free.

Still, you showed great love and patience, stayed with me for all those years. Having been blind and self righteous, I took you for granted. I blamed you for everything, never even paused to look within.

And when you finally decided to do the right thing and left, still I blamed you. But now I see and am very thankful that you taught me about consequences. The curtain has lifted and I finally learned about my own flaws.  Thank you for loving me, for playing a huge role in my way of finding myself.

Wherever you are, whatever you do, from the bottom of my heart, I wish you all the happiness you really deserve, the one I had deprived you of. So long, live well, my dear friend.