August 1, 2012

The borderline in me

I grew up into a strict, know-it-all, opinionated, independent, strong-willed girl.
But living with a borderline mom surely paved my own way to the mad world of borderline disorder.

I was very judgmental, thinking in black and white.
My own survival ability (having learned only to depend on myself) made me put myself on a high pedestal, thinking that I’m stronger than most people I know (which I am :p) ,thus I couldn’t respect people who are emotionally weak or depressed.
In my own twisted mind, there’s only two ways of thinking. My way or the highway. It’s either you’re with me or you’re against me.

Being highly unstable, extreme mood swings, bipolar tendencies, insecurity were daily routines. I was usually highly energetic in the afternoon, talkative, active and breaking down in the evening. Replaying past hurts and mistakes people did to me and shutting down. 
I remember a former boyfriend said how he dreaded the night time.

I sweated the small stuffs, getting angry over unimportant things. Simply hysterical. I couldn’t control my emotional outbursts. Can you imagine being so angry that it feels literally tight and hot in the chest? I felt that kind of rage on daily basis, even over a door that’s not being closed properly. 

I needed to control everything, being bossy and dominant, wouldn’t take no for an answer. I needed to hear the ‘right’ answer. Right according to my subjectivity, obviously.

People I hurt the most were my former boyfriends who had to deal with my instability, feeding my ego and validating my feelings which resulted from my own insecurity. I tend to push them away, break up with them often, hating them for not crawling back. To make things worse for me and themselves, they loved me so much that they put up with my madness, spoiled me and kept coming back for more. Relationships were turbulent, alternating between “Go away!” and “I need you” A book title about the life of a borderline girl really puts perspective into my behavior: “I hate you. Don’t leave me.”
What about their feelings? “Huh, do they have feelings.. Never knew that.”
Simply put, I made their lives a living nightmare. I was the exact replica of my mom..  

Being partly bipolar, when the sun shone on my turbulent mind, I was a smart, fun loving girl. I could see the silver lining in everything, thanks to my ability of manipulating my own mind since childhood. I loved deeply and was very attentive to people. But when the dark cloud came, say hello to the manic hysterical Mrs. Hyde. Well, on the bright side, this Mrs. Hyde had never hit or beat up people. She learned from her own experiences that verbal and physical abuse are no-go’s, too bad she still missed the emotional abuse part.

At those times, I never stopped to contemplate or to be grateful that I was loved, understood and spoilt. I took everything for granted, not realizing that something was wrong with myself until those people I hurt couldn’t take it anymore and gave up on me. At that point, I realized something was not right and took some time to rethink about those turbulent relationships. I might not be responsible for my borderline tendencies, but I surely was responsible for things I did to other people. This was the beginning of a change.

*** I wrote this post about 6 months ago and it kinda showed my journey of change, the difference between the former and the latter me.

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