October 10, 2012

Elevator

A girlfriend of mine recently met a stranger who told her,"I can see you're a very insecure person, who tries very hard to cover that up by acting confident and dressing stylishly."

She was down for quite a long time and didn't dare looking in other people's eyes as she felt very insecure.

I was fascinated at how easily she let her self worth be determined by some stranger's words.

This is what I told her,"Our sense of security and self worth goes up and down sometimes. Even Gisele Buendchen can feel insecure at times, I'm sure. Maybe you were at a low point, and the stranger's words were somewhat true. But everyone can relate to insecurity. Why do you have to take it so personally? It happens to everyone, anyway. Imagine you failed a test, surely you would feel insecure of your ability but if you passed it with distinction, you would feel on top of  the world. It's as simple as that."

And she was happy again.

I'm beginning to wonder, is this for real? Why do we care so much about what others, strangers think of us? Unfortunately she's not the only one.. Most people I know tick the same way. Isn't it a pity that people are so sound asleep?

When will we stop standing in a closed elevator, in which people outside can press the elevator's level buttons and there we go up and down without control of our own elevator? When will we start learning to press the buttons ourselves?

I know it's easier said than done. But I believe that practice makes perfect.


October 9, 2012

A little self reminder

Said the self-righteous preacher,
"What, in your judgment, is the greatest sin in the world?"

"That of the person who sees other human beings as sinners,"
said the Master.

September 2, 2012

Mentalitas Korupsi Indonesia

Kemarin saya ke kelurahan dan kecamatan setempat untuk mengurus surat domisili perusahaan dan surat PM1/ surat pengantar. Saya perlu dokumen2 ini untuk aplikasi Surat Ijin Usaha di kantor walikota.

Sesuai mentalitas dan budaya korupsi kita, oleh pegawai kelurahan, saya diminta untuk membayar biaya "administrasi' sebesar Rp 300.000.
Berhubung saya sudah mendapat informasi dari kantor walikota Jakarta Pusat bahwa pengurusan surat-surat ini bebas biaya, saya menolak untuk membayar biaya tidak jelas ini dan berusahalah mereka mempersulit saya.

Ibu pegawai kelurahan : Mbak, untuk mengeluarkan surat keterangan domisili ini Mbak harus melampirkan akte dari notaris ABC, surat ini dan itu.
Saya kebetulan sudah membaca persyaratan aplikasi dokumen yang saya butuhkan di buku tata hukum pemda DKI Jakarta sehingga saya dapat menjawab bahwa dengan neraca dibawah sekian ratus juta dan investasi dibawah limit tertentu, saya tidak diwajibkan melampirkan akte notaris, surat ini dan itu.
Ibu pegawai kelurahan : Masa sih? Saya baru dengar tuh.
Saya : Iya Bu. Memang begitu hukumnya sesuai pasal sekian. Atau Ibu bisa langsung kontak Kanwil pusat untuk konfirmasi.

Ibu pegawai kelurahan pun diam dan mengeluarkan dokumen yang saya minta. Masuklah saya ke kantor lurah untuk mengemis tanda tangan beliau yang mahal :)

Pak wakil lurah, Sarjana sosial : Mbak tahu kan, dokumen ini ada biayanya?
Saya : Tidak tahu tuh, Pak. Saya diberi tahu oleh kantor walikota sih tidak ada biayanya.
PWL S.Sos : Iya memang, tapi saya tidak enak sama yang kerja disini, karena kita kan ada target bulanan,  bla bla
Saya : Pak, saya kan warga masyarakat yang membayar pajak. Dokumen ini adalah hak saya. Dan jika memang saya harus bayar, saya minta tanda terima resmi. Lagipula teman saya yang jurnalis Kompas dan sering meliput ke kelurahan dan kecamatan lain bersama KPK juga bilang bahwa dokumen ini tidak terkena biaya apa-apa.
PWL S.Sos : ...... (diam, menandatangani dokumen saya). Ya udah, ini cap diluar sana ya Mbak.
Saya : Iya. Terima kasih ya pak. 

Selesai di kelurahan, lanjutlah saya ke kecamatan.

Terulanglah kejadian yang sama, saya dimintai biaya administrasi oleh mbak pegawai kecamatan yang masih muda dan cantik.

Si mbak cantik : Ini, bu. Sudah dicap dokumennya. Tolong dilunasi biaya administrasi sebesar Rp 100.000
Saya : Bayar ya, mbak? Kata kantor walikota pusat harusnya bebas biaya loh
Mbak cantik : Ada biayanya koq Bu.
Saya : Ok mbak. Tapi saya mau lihat daftar retribusi resminya ya Mbak, sama tanda terima dengan kop resmi.
Mbak cantik : Ya sebenarnya ini bukan biaya administrasi resmi sih Bu.. Ini zakat yang nantinya akan ditransfer ke rekening kantor walikota.
Saya : Oh, Zakat ya Mbak? Kalau begitu suka rela donk ya? Kebetulan nih Mbak, besok saya mau mengurus surat ke Kanwil. Saya bayar zakatnya langsung disana saja ya Mbak." (sambil senyum maniiiiis)
Mbak cantik : Iya bisa Bu. (senyum kecut)
Saya : Terima kasih, Mbak. (cabut dari tempat kejadian perkara)

Sebut saya idealis, tapi saya tidak mau tunduk pada budaya korupsi disini. Saya membayar pajak sesuai kewajiban saya, menyuapi para pegawai pemerintahan bukan kewajiban saya.

Yang lebih miris lagi adalah fakta bahwa para pegawai pemerintahan ini benar-benar tidak pandang bulu dalam memeras warga. Salah satu pegawai saya bercerita bahwa ia selalu diperas oleh pegawai kelurahan tiap kali mengurus surat, bahkan saat dia mengurus surat keterangan tidak mampu. Bayangkan, jelas-jelas maunya mengurus surat keterangan tidak mampu yang artinya ya dia tidak mampu, koq masih diperas? Aih Indonesia..

Tapi saya cukup optimis deh sama masa depan Indonesia. Saat saya mengurus dokumen di tingkat birokrasi yang lebih tinggi seperti kantor dirjen pajak, kantor walikota, kantor imigrasi, komdak, tidak ada pungutan biaya liar tuh :) Saya tidak tahu apakah hal ini karena adanya kesadaran pribadi atau karena sorotan media. Apapun alasannya, hasilnya menyenangkan :)




Korban pemerasan yang memang suka diperas

Di blog entry sebelumnya saya bercerita tentang praktek korupsi di kelurahan dan kecamatan.
Nah sesudah kejadian usaha pemerasan ini saya bercerita kepada teman-teman saya. Intinya saya bilang kepada mereka, eh, ternyata bisa koq ngurus dokumen tanpa keluar uang sepeserpun.

Tanggapan mereka yang negatif cukup mengejutkan.

Salah satu teman bilang,"Kenapa ga lo tawar aja? Lo itu kan orang bisnis, harusnya lo bisa mikir untung rugi, bisa forward thinking. Ntar gara-gara lo belagu, kedepannya dipersulit. Lo kan harusnya bisa menempatkan diri. Harus banyak belajar deh lo tuh."

Saya bengong. "Loh, kenapa saya harus menawar kalau memang sesuai hukum seharusnya bebas biaya?"
"Saya harus banyak belajar apa? Mendukung praktek korupsi?" Dan bagaimana pegawai pemerintahan itu bisa mempersulit saya jika saya mengetahui undang-undang yang berlaku dan juga hak dan kewajiban saya sebagai warga.

Teman satu lagi bilang,"Yaah, 100.000 doank, bayar aja lah, daripada ngotot-ngototan. Bukannya duit gede toh. Pelit amat deh lo. Lagian lo kan cina, kudu pinter nempatin diri donk sebagai minoritas. Udah biasalah kalo ngurus gituan mah pasti pake duit". FYI, dia cina juga.

Saya jadi berpikir, pantas saja budaya korupsi berkembang subur di Indonesia. Lah wong yang dipalak aja demen dipalak.. Malah saya yang ga mau dipalak yang diomelin. Haha.
Agak miris deh tapi.. Ok, kalau yang dipalak itu orang yang kurang tingkat edukasinya masih wajar, tapi teman-teman saya kan ngakunya lulusan luar, S2 lagi.

Saya menyalahkan ignorance, kemalasan, zona nyaman/ kebiasaan, inferioritas, ketakutan yang memicu budaya "demen dipalak" ini.

1. Ignorance
Saya yakin teman-teman saya ini mungkin bahkan tidak tahu persyaratan dan tata cara pembuatan dokumen, apalagi dasar hukumnya. Selama ini pake duit, semua jadi.

2. Kemalasan
Males repot. Kalo pake duit bisa kelar ngapain repot ribut? Cuma Rp 100.000 ini.

3. Kebiasaan
Saking biasanya jadi sesuatu yang benar. Mayoritas melakukan hal ini, jadi kalau kita tidak mengikuti, kita salah deh pasti. Toh itu sesuatu yang biasa koq.

4. Inferioritas
Jaman gini masih merasa inferior sebagai suku tertentu? Maaf saja, kita punya hak yang sama sebagai warga negara. Lagipula bukan hanya yang sipit koq diperas, pegawai saya yang Sunda juga diperas.

5. Ketakutan
Kita memang bangsa Bediende. Bangsa budak, penurut, takut pada otoritas. Bahkan pada otoritas yang menyalahgunakan kekuasaan. Tidak mempunyai keberanian untuk mendobrak, kita memenjarakan diri sendiri.

Jadi intinya, kita protes, berteriak-teriak saat diperas. Tetapi kita juga tidak melakukan apapun untuk melawan. Malahan kita mencaci maki orang yang tidak tinggal diam dan berenang melawan arus.
Tidak heran bukan bila korupsi di negara ini bisa begitu suburnya. Ada demand, ada supply. Ada yang memeras, ada yang suka diperas.

Saya memperhatikan, banyak TKI dan TKW yang diperas oleh petugas imigrasi di airport, tapi tidak ada yang pernah mencoba memeras saya. Kenapa? Karena saya tahu apa yang saya lakukan dan saya tidak mau diperas. Tidak ada yang bisa melakukan itu jika kita tidak membiarkan dan tidak merasa diri layak menjadi korban pemerasan.


"Tidak ada yang dapat membuat kita merasa inferior tanpa seijin kita." - E. Roosevelt


Keras tetapi benar, teman, adalah fakta bahwa budaya atau kebiasaan itu belum tentu sebuah kebenaran. Hanya karena semua orang melakukan dan menerima hal itu tidak menjadikan itu sesuatu yang benar.



Sungguh, saya mengerti perasaan si monyet baru yang mencoba menaiki tangga. Tapi tidak peduli bagaimanapun, saya tidak akan berhenti mencoba menaiki tangga itu.
Ah, enaknya jadi beda... :D


August 23, 2012

A musing on our negative society

A friend asked me to go out with him as he's feeling a bit depressed. He told me that he liked hanging out with me because I could shed positive light on his gloomy point of view, I was his source of happiness.

I texted him back,"Ok. Btw, a child can teach an adult to be happy with no reason -Paulo Coelho"
He replied,"Yeah, and tell me if you can reason with a child about anything at all."

I just smiled and thought to myself, how sad is it, that we always need a reason to be happy, be it a certain someone, a certain something, the list goes on.
We always think if we have this or that, we'll be happy. I used to think if I were healthy, if I had a normal family, I would be happy. But it isn't true.. No matter what we have, we will never be happy as long we keep focusing on things we don't have. My friends who are prettier, healthier, have nice families, have their God, etc aren't happier than me..

I honestly think we can just BE happy with no reason. Try sitting in silence for a while, smile and focus on being present in the moment, and you'll be happy. Without reason :)
Because in the present moment there's no unhappiness. Unhappiness, pain happened in the past, a month ago, two seconds ago.. If we keep thinking and replaying the past in our mind, no wonder we'll always need a reason to be happy.. It is better called distracting ourselves from the past moments by setting other triggers or expectations.

Our society teaches us to be unhappy. To achieve more, not to settle down for less. The drive to achieve is not a bad thing, obviously. But we need to find the balance at some point.

I noticed something quite interesting.. I saw a lady dancing alone with her Ipod, smiling and enjoying herself while waiting for the train in a Berlin train station. People stared at her, frowning and shaking their heads.. I overheard two older ladies asking each other if the dancing lady was out of her mind. I just smiled and continued watching the dancing lady.. It felt liberating to see her joy, her enjoying the moment.

A few weeks later, I saw a lady crying in the subway.. Strangely enough, people reacted differently. Most people paid no attention to her, as if it was something totally normal. Some sympathized, but she didn't get any frowns nor stares from people.

It is normal to be happy when you're dancing in the park to the beats of music with strangers around you, but it isn't normal to be alone and happy. Whereas if you're sad, it's always acceptable in community or in private. It's becoming a widely accepted standard, to be happy we need stimulants, whereas we don't need any specific reason to be sad

It struck me then, our society is built to be able to accept sadness without reason, but have difficulties accepting happiness with no reason. We even justify sadness without reasons in many ways, winter blues, mild depression, etc.. blaming the lack of endorphin or function failures of our brain synapses.
But ironically, we always have to keep looking for reasons to be happy.. Music, external substances, achievements, etc. Why can't we just do nothing and be happy, crediting our own capability of producing endorphin?
There are pills to boost our mood, to suppress our sadness, because we are programmed to think that happiness is something to be achieved, whereas we can just BE sad. Let's take another twist to this kind of thinking. If we can simply BE sad why can't we just let ourselves BE happy as well?

My fave TV program is currently the Dog Whisperer. It always amazes me to see how easy a dog can change it's behaviors in a matter of minutes. Dogs (or animals) do not live in the past. Their misbehaviors are usually because they are following a pattern.. But once Cesar Millan (the dog whisperer) trained these dogs, they changed blitz-fast. It makes me realize how complicated people are.. We harbor resentment and trauma, reliving the past, predicting the future based on our past experiences.. Dogs live in the moment and let go of their past. As Cesar said, it is far easier to rehabilitate a dog than a human.

A dear friend is still harboring excruciating pain from her past.. I asked her quietly if it's so painful, why did she relive the past every single time.. She snapped at me and said that I wouldn't be able to understand traumata, it's different from normal pain. I sensed somehow that she's somewhat afraid to move on, to let go of her trauma, the source of her justification and pity party. Ah well, but who am I anyway to throw accusations at her? I never walked in her shoes and I will stop holding my own way and opinions. I just hope that she'll find her peace of mind eventually.

August 7, 2012

August 2, 2012

Dealing with anger and resentment

I won't lie.
Sometimes I do feel very angry at my mom. I resent her at those crazy times. I'm torn between the guilt of resenting my own mom and the love for her.
To give her the justice, I know very well that she loves me very much in her own way. She cooked me my favorite meals, she bought me expensive jewelery (though I don't like them), she wanted to give me everything money can buy. I know this is her own way of showing her love.

But sometimes when things are hard, I caught myself thinking,"Why do I always have to be the patient, responsible and the more mature one? How old is she, and how old am I, bitte schoen? Why do I have to parent my own parent? Why do I always have to neglect my feelings and focus on hers instead? Is it fair that I have to deal with my own physical pain (surgeries, scoliosis back pain etc), my own self esteem plus her insanity?"

But hey, it is what it is. She is who she is.
If I can't change things, then I have to change my way of thinking.
If I can't change her, then I guess I just have to be the change I wanted to see in her.
I  may feel that it is not fair, but I am not the center of the universe, aren't I? So, at some point, I have to stop focusing on my own pity party and start focusing on being a better person instead. And I won't stop the rain by complaining either.

Somehow I've learned that nothing lasts forever, that every emotion will pass, be it good or bad. Anger, hatred, resentment won't last, and I've learned the hard way that if I let those emotions get the best of me, the one who's going to suffer in the end is myself. The more you think about the anger, the more you replay those bad things people did, the more you'll hurt yourself.

The Zen guru, Thich Nhat Hanh said, if your house got burned down by a certain person, what are you going to do first? Trying to put the fire down or trying to catch the person who did it? A food for thought. I prefer the first choice :)

Another way to make it even more acceptable. I believe in the Karma concept, though I don't really believe in reincarnation. Maybe.. I owe my mom, the universe, whatever, a lot in the past (or the future), and my karma is now ripening. I know this sounds a bit contradictory to my statement of not believing in reincarnation, but hey, this makes me tick.. So bear with me, ok? :D It helps me put things in a more positive perspective.

I know some western-minded readers would think I'm crazy, a masochist. The me two years ago would think exactly the same way.. Some people would encourage me to dig deeper, release the anger, psychoanalyze. I've tried. And it didn't bring me the peace of mind I'm looking for. The more I dig and read about the borderline disorder, the more I analyze, the more hurtful it becomes, the more unfair it seems.
I have put my past hurts here in writing. And my way of moving forward is to let go. I do not want to write about borderline signs and tendencies anymore.. My mom will still drive me crazy in the future, but I refuse to look back, replay and analyze those things she did in the past anymore. I'll take the higher ground.
Holding on to the past is fun, I admit. It feeds my ego, justifies my right to be angry. But let see the after effect, what good does it bring me? Nothing.

I might be an idealist, but practicing mindfulness, awareness of my own emotions, letting go are more practical and useful than those skeleton-digging-psychoanalysis things. I'm not saying modern psychology doesn't work. Surely it does to many people, but it is just not my cup of tea. I'm a vintage girl who prefers to curl on a 2500-year-old-buddhist couch to an avant-garde Freudian one ;)

I have to say, I am where I am right now because of my dad and his very Yoda way of thinking :D He is the epitome of my accumulated good karma, I guess :)


And to Yoda I'll say Amen.



August 1, 2012

Borderline Personality Disorder

 A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:
  • Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
  • A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
  • Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
  • Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
  • Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
  • Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
  • Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms
Borderline personality disorder is more prevalent in females (75 percent of diagnoses made are in females). It is thought that borderline personality disorder affects approximately 2 percent of the general population.

 http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/

Behaviors of BPD Mothers

The Witch

Typical Thoughts
Unconsciously, Witches hate themselves because they grew up in an environment that "required complete submission to a hostile or sadistic caregiver" (2000). They continue the cycle by acting cruelly to others, especially those who are too weak, young, or powerless to help themselves.

Typical Emotions
They feel no remorse for nightmarish acts, showing more interest in their own well-being than concern over the way they've hurt others. The Witch's triggers include jealousy, criticism, betrayal, abandonment, feeling left out, and being ignored.

Typical Actions and Central Dilemma
Most BP parents do not physically abuse their children. Those who do probably fall into this category. However, the abuse usually occurs when other competent adults are not present. Thus, family members can live in fear while all seems well to the outside world.
Witches want power and control over others so that others do not abandon them. When someone or something triggers the Witches' abandonment fear, these BPs can become brutal and full of rage, even punishing or hurting family members who stand in their way (2000). These types of BPs are most resistant to treatment: they will not allow others to help and the source of self-loathing is very deep.

 Typical Thoughts, Emotions, and Actions of Family Members
  • "I will comply with what she wants. Resistance is futile. I will be assimilated."
  • Fear in victims.
  • Denial on the part of those who could protect the victims.
  • Tries not to trigger the witch. But her behavior is not really about the non-BP, so this strategy doesn't work.
 The Effect of the Witch's Behavior in Children
  • Children live in terror of Witches' capricious moods; they are the "collateral damage" of a secret war they did not start, do not understand, and cannot control.
  • Attacks are random, intense, and cruel. Children automatically think they're at fault and can become shamed, depressed, insecure, dissociative, and hypervigilant.
  • As adults they may have multiple difficulties with self, relationships, physical illness, and even post traumatic stress disorder.

The Queen

Typical Thoughts
"I want more attention. I deserve more attention. And, by the way, what have you done for me lately?" Also, "My children should fulfill my needs, not the other way around. They don't love or respect me if they disagree with me, go against my wishes, or have needs of their own."

Typical Feelings
These include entitlement, deprivation, emptiness, anger, frustration, or loneliness from the deprivation they felt as children. Queens are impatient and have a low tolerance for frustration. They also push others' boundaries without regret or recognition.

Typical Actions and Central Dilemma
Driven by feelings of emptiness and unable to soothe themselves, Queens do what it takes to get what they feel they so richly deserve--including vindictive acts like blackmail. Initially they may impress others with their social graces. But when "friends" can no longer deliver, the Queen cuts them off without a thought. Queens are capable of real manipulation (vs. more primitive BP defenses) to get what they desire.

Typical Thoughts, Emotions, and Actions of Family Members
  • "I can't meet this person's needs; my best isn't enough."
  • "Don't I ever get to have any needs? (Better not say that or the Queen will leave me.)"
  • "Why is everything always about her?"
  • "If people only knew what an act the Queen puts on, they'd sure be shocked."
  • Family members who the Queen shames, ignores, or gives superficial attention learn that their worth depends on external things (cars, important titles).
  • Non-BPs' self-esteem also suffers--especially among those who become isolated or who had a Queen parent.
  • Over time, non-BPs feel used, manipulated and angry--anger at the BP and at themselves for capitulating so much they no longer recognize themselves.
  • Non-BPs give in to her wishes because it's easier than maintaining personal limits.
  • Less assertive non-BPs are vulnerable to distortion campaigns, unwilling or unable to protect themselves or their children.
 Consequences to Children with a Queen Parent 
  • To the Queen, children are a built-in audience expected to give love, attention and support when the Queen needs it. Children feel confused and betrayed when their normal behavior is sometimes punished (according to the Queen's needs of the moment). Since Queens don't allow or help children become individuals (autonomy is discouraged--even punished) kids mimic the behavior they do see: the Queens'. Thus, a new generation of BPs is born.
  • As kids grow, conflict with the Queen increases. Underneath, these kids long for approval, recognition, consistency, and to be loved unconditionally for who they are, not what they achieve.

Trying to cope with the borderline mom

Since I came back to my hometown, things had been turbulent. I came with my own opinions, my german-educated way of thinking, strong cognition and cold rationality, which clash with her emotional unstructured mindset.

I'm currently involved in the family business, and most of the times I supported my dad's decisions which are logical and cost effective. My mom was running the business as well and felt that she's the queen boss.. The problem is that she's actually incapable of managing a company as she doesn't have the educational background, the cognitive ability nor does she want to learn about new things. She's been holding back the company's progress as she would make decisions according to her emotions, refusing computerized system because she can't use the computer. The queen felt threatened that I was planning to overthrow her from her throne. She screamed at me not to access our supplier's or customer's files, not to come close to her desk, not to assign anything to our employees without her permission.

These words were often hurled at me, "This is my territory! My prerogative! Don't forget that!" 
"Do you think that you'll own this company if you're helping your dad here? You won't!"
"Why do you have to come back? Just go away! I wish your sister or brother will come back instead!"
"Get out of MY house, you and dad. Just move out!"
"We are only a small company. No need to get too structured. You're too arrogant."
If my dad asked her if she had forwarded any purchase order to the production department, she would snap at him and said if he asked her that again, she would kill him.
She takes everything as a personal attack.

I never thought of wanting to own anything. All I want is to take US to a higher level, to succeed, to help my dad with his dreams.But unfortunately my mom can't see that. She let her own insecurities hold us back.

On the emotional level, it's also exhausting. She's still hypersensitive, reading things that aren't there in the first place.
She screamed at me because I was silent in the car. She cried and screamed out of sudden,"What did I do to you!? Why are you ignoring me?" I was startled.. I was silent because I fell asleep.

I was yawning without closing my mouth, suddenly she screamed that I was ungrateful and disrespectful because she had always taught me to close my mouth and don't I ever think that shows the strength of a character. I was really confused.. How does the strength of my character and yawning correlate? I only kept silent. I had learned that she just wanted to provoke me further until I exploded and then blaming me for being disrespectful towards her, thus justifying her insanity.

My brother was back for his internship a few months ago and had a huge dispute with her as well. Unlike the vocal me, my brother is a very passive and phlegmatic person, in which he would never take sides and never voiced his opinions in front of my mom. So my mom always thought he's her ally.
My mom complained about her friend that she's always so negative, etc. My brother said,"You too." She cried night and day because of my brother's two words and resented me and my dad for influencing my brother. She was sure my brother has that opinion about her because of me. She would never thought that it was my bro's own perception, even though she knows how smart and perceptive he is.. True to the borderline traits, she sees herself as the victimized good guy.
She then started crying and telling my brother stories about my dad, what a jerk he was, how she was always victimized. My brother was so angry that he yelled back at her that he didn't want to take side and that she needed to stop being so black and white and hypersensitive. He then told me that he would never come home after he graduated and what a f-cked up home this was.. He's tired of us, the children, having to constantly parentify our mom. To see his anger made me sad, realizing that it was the first time I saw him being angry, that's he's right and everyone in this house was living a nightmare.

We wanted to visit my brother in Brisbane and I had bought the tickets, booked the hotels and everything. I asked her if she wanted to go to New Zealand, and she told me she had been in New Z a couple of times, so it's up to me. I asked my dad who's never been there if he wanted me to plan a New Zealand trip. He said no. So, I planned only for an Aussie trip. My dad told her this later and she claimed that she didn't know anything and refused to join the trip. When I asked her what should I do with the tickets, she only shrugged her shoulders and told me she didn't need me to plan the trip. What did I do? I kept quiet.. Tired of life time confrontations.

I've tried communicating with her and my dad.. But it's like talking to a wall here. I asked her why she treated me so unfairly.. She kept blaming my dad, that my dad made her unhappy and she only forwarded everything to me. No regrets there, all my dad's faults.. I said calmly that her hypersensitivity was overwhelming, again she blamed my dad, her own parent's upbringing. I gave up...

Ok, I'll stop here.. Writing this is not good for my own health apparently. Now I feel some anger rising.

I am actually contemplating of moving out, but when I told her this, she cried.. And I felt bad. Call me a masochist, but I'm going to try to cope with her and see how long I can last. Who knows, I might be able to stop resenting the fire for burning :)

The question of how I cope? Silence and practicing breathing meditation :D It does help a lot!  
I always remember what my dad said. "If a mad dog bites you, are you going to squat down and bite the dog in retaliation? Doesn't that make you as mad as it is?"
When anger got the best of me, I would force myself to think that nothing lasts forever, this (anger) too shall pass. And after a while, it does indeed go away. 



The borderline in me

I grew up into a strict, know-it-all, opinionated, independent, strong-willed girl.
But living with a borderline mom surely paved my own way to the mad world of borderline disorder.

I was very judgmental, thinking in black and white.
My own survival ability (having learned only to depend on myself) made me put myself on a high pedestal, thinking that I’m stronger than most people I know (which I am :p) ,thus I couldn’t respect people who are emotionally weak or depressed.
In my own twisted mind, there’s only two ways of thinking. My way or the highway. It’s either you’re with me or you’re against me.

Being highly unstable, extreme mood swings, bipolar tendencies, insecurity were daily routines. I was usually highly energetic in the afternoon, talkative, active and breaking down in the evening. Replaying past hurts and mistakes people did to me and shutting down. 
I remember a former boyfriend said how he dreaded the night time.

I sweated the small stuffs, getting angry over unimportant things. Simply hysterical. I couldn’t control my emotional outbursts. Can you imagine being so angry that it feels literally tight and hot in the chest? I felt that kind of rage on daily basis, even over a door that’s not being closed properly. 

I needed to control everything, being bossy and dominant, wouldn’t take no for an answer. I needed to hear the ‘right’ answer. Right according to my subjectivity, obviously.

People I hurt the most were my former boyfriends who had to deal with my instability, feeding my ego and validating my feelings which resulted from my own insecurity. I tend to push them away, break up with them often, hating them for not crawling back. To make things worse for me and themselves, they loved me so much that they put up with my madness, spoiled me and kept coming back for more. Relationships were turbulent, alternating between “Go away!” and “I need you” A book title about the life of a borderline girl really puts perspective into my behavior: “I hate you. Don’t leave me.”
What about their feelings? “Huh, do they have feelings.. Never knew that.”
Simply put, I made their lives a living nightmare. I was the exact replica of my mom..  

Being partly bipolar, when the sun shone on my turbulent mind, I was a smart, fun loving girl. I could see the silver lining in everything, thanks to my ability of manipulating my own mind since childhood. I loved deeply and was very attentive to people. But when the dark cloud came, say hello to the manic hysterical Mrs. Hyde. Well, on the bright side, this Mrs. Hyde had never hit or beat up people. She learned from her own experiences that verbal and physical abuse are no-go’s, too bad she still missed the emotional abuse part.

At those times, I never stopped to contemplate or to be grateful that I was loved, understood and spoilt. I took everything for granted, not realizing that something was wrong with myself until those people I hurt couldn’t take it anymore and gave up on me. At that point, I realized something was not right and took some time to rethink about those turbulent relationships. I might not be responsible for my borderline tendencies, but I surely was responsible for things I did to other people. This was the beginning of a change.

*** I wrote this post about 6 months ago and it kinda showed my journey of change, the difference between the former and the latter me.
http://brunchforone.blogspot.com/2011/12/2011-recap.html

My childhood with a borderline mom

My friend in high school used to complain all the time about her mom, how her mom abused her emotionally and verbally. How she couldn't get along with her mom etc. Add physical abuse to those and there you get my childhood

My mom isn't a bad person, she's actually very kind to people around her, my dad's employees, etc. She cares about the people around her when she's 'sane'. Her problem is that she's ignorant to her own mental health and projects her own unhappiness to her immediate family.
If you see my mom and get to know her, you won't believe what Im saying here. She makes jokes, laughs, has high level of energy, always active, involved in activities. In short, high functioning. But unfortunately not to her immediate family, For me, she's a hysterical, unstable, hypersensitive, controlling mother.

I do not remember much about my childhood. What I remember are surgeries, never ending courses, studying and beating.
Growing up, my mom was very strict. There's no room for mistakes. I had to live up to her standard, which was very high.

She only bought me literature books and forbade me from reading comic books. I used to borrow my friend's comic books and hid it under my uniform :) I used to put those books in my school bag before but she ransacked my bag, hit me and tore up the books in front of me. No matter how I cried, she always proceeded on and I had to buy new books for my friends with my minimal pocket money. So I learned to hide the comic book inside my clothes. Well, it really depended on my luck, because every now and then, she would ransack my room and if she found those books, I was dead meat.
She also tore my favorite books to pieces when she found out I was reading books instead of studying. I never understood why other children could read and buy comic books and I couldn't.
Once, in her rage, she deemed me incapable of continuing to the university and tore up my high school diploma certificate.

I seldom had free time for playing. I always had to go to extracurricular courses, music lessons, math, language classes until late at night. I had no right to say no.
She used to accompany me studying until 3 in the morning, but maybe I was a slow learner, she always grew impatient when I got sleepy after midnight. So she usually pinched me black and blue, beat me up with broomstick, banged my head on the wall, even burned me with an ironing rod.

I was a clumsy child (still am) and I tend to forget things easily. Whenever I unintentionally spilled my milk or juice (which happened quite often), my mom would scream at me and beat me up. If I forgot to tell her things, she would scold me and accuse me of intentionally hiding things from her, thus disrespecting her.

My mom is big on unhappiness and dissatisfaction. She thinks that her family is a big disappointment. She complains constantly about not having a place called home, that her family doesn't love her enough. She asked me quite a lot of time,"What did you ever do for me? What have you ever given? Nothing!" This brought me to another memory when I was in the primary school. On her birthday I bought her a flower bouquet, a false one because I thought it would be long-lasting. She berated me for not buying fresh flowers instead.

Her insecurity is also very prominent.
She cares very much about people’s opinion about her. In people’s eyes she had to be the good guy. She constantly compared me and my sister to our cousins. We were never good enough. I was always being compared to my cousin, saying how smart my cousin was and that I was a disgrace to her, how she could never be proud of me. My cousin’s grade in math was better than mine, but I also excelled her in history. My mom never saw my better grade and focused on my worse-than-cousin math grade.
My sister suffered more than me in this case. We have an aunt who likes to brag about her daughter. She bragged how smart and diligent this cousin was. My mom believed every single word she said and berated my sister constantly for being lazy. In the end, we found out that this aunt lied about her daughter’s grade. My sister’s 12 year misery was based on nothing but a vicious lie. We were always at fault and other people were always right. She believed everything other people said.

She got extremely upset when she found out that people were talking behind her back. She found out once that my uncle was talking about her, she still resented him after more than a decade. She also hates the fact that we talk about her problems. The funny thing is, she also talks and bad mouths people quite often. A double standard, indeed.

Other people always come first and she never defended her family members in front of others. She cares too much about what others would think of her if she stood up against them. As for her family members, we have no other choice but to cope with her.
One day miraculously I had free time after school and invited a friend over to play. Suddenly my teacher showed up (it was her fault, she forgot that I didn’t have class that day). I refused to take lesson because it was my only free day in months and I had a friend visiting. My mom forced me to take the lesson, no matter how I cried and protested, because she felt bad for my piano teacher. Needless to say, my friend was angry at me and refused to talk to me afterwards because I neglected her for 1,5 hours. I remember how I hated my piano teacher, which wasn’t fair, because my teacher had acknowledged her mistake, said sorry and wanted to leave without giving me my piano lesson. It was my mom who insisted that I took the lesson. I finally learned that I couldn’t trust my mom, that she wouldn’t stand up for me, and I learned to depend only on myself.

Speaking of emotional exhaustion, my mom is hypersensitive, assuming and judgmental. Everything we said or didn’t say, did or didn’t do could trigger her outrage. We never knew what to expect, when her mood is going to change. I learned not to confide anything in her because she judged and often used what I said to attack me later on. She could be smiling one moment and angry in the next hour. We were so afraid of her emotional outbursts so we tiptoed around her feelings, walking on eggshells all the time, learning to distant ourselves and not say anything. Unfortunately, she didn’t like the fact that we kept our distance either. It feels like being around a ticking bomb, you just don’t know when it will explode.
Silent treatment (can stretch up to two weeks) was our routines. 

She thinks only in black and white. It's either you're with her or against her. Opinion difference means disrespect, betrayal.
She used to have a dispute with her brother and refused to talk or having any contact with him. My sister, as a child, still kept in touch with my uncle's family. My mom called her a family traitor.

Inconsistency was one of her dominant traits. Today she would say A, and tomorrow Z without even remembering what she said before. She used to dislike me having male friends, berated them when they called me. The next week when she’s angry, she would say,”Why don’t you have any boyfriend? Your cousin has one. Must be because you’re ugly that no one wants you.”
Or she would get mad at me because I went out with my friends and she felt that I abandoned her and my family. But when I stayed home, she would say,”You’re a difficult person. Maybe that’s why you stay home and don’t have any friends.”

Another main trait is that she always feels victimized. She's the protagonist and life/ people treat her unfairly all the time. So she tends to blame everything on other people, circumstances, bureaucracy, her own childhood, etc.

It’s quite scary when she’s consumed with rage, she didn’t realize what she was saying and didn’t remember the hurtful things she had said afterwards. I grew accustomed to her hurtful words, saying that I was the crap of society, how she regretted giving birth to me, etc. She would also try to turn me against my dad, saying that my dad doesn’t love me, how mean my dad was and how she felt victimized. She couldn’t accept that I talked more to my dad than to her, and she despised the fact that I saw my dad as a better person than she was. She also blamed me for things I couldn’t control. She told me it was my fault that she had under eye bags, because I cried a lot when I was a baby. At this point I couldn’t help but wonder, how am I supposed to take responsibilities to such actions? And couldn’t she accept the fact that I cried a lot, if even as a baby I already had to deal with surgery’s pain?

She blamed me for her problems with my dad. She used to forbid me from reading some documentary books about Christianity when I was a child. She's a devout Catholic, FYI. When my dad asked me if I had read those books, I told him the truth. My dad then told her to stop indoctrinating me and let me think freely. My mom went berserk and denied everything (she really didn't remember that she forbade me), and threw accusations at me. I was a big liar, etc. This happens a lot of time and I didn't bother to argue anymore. It's no use to argue with someone who doesn't remember things she did or said and sees herself as the victimized good guy.

It wasn’t easy, being a child and having to deal with abuses. I grew up doubting myself, struggling with my already low self esteem and physical pain. I was born with physical impairments, needing to go through many surgeries and recovery processes. I became sad, bitter and resentful. I used to think that I was a bad child, but looking back, I realized I wasn’t a bad kid. I was a smart and perceptive kid, I graduated with distinction, I took responsibilities, I didn’t act up, did drugs, etc, and I never complained about anything.

It was a huge relief for me when my dad told me a story that kinda explained her absurd behaviors, that it wasn’t always my fault.
It was a scorching summer day and I was not even 1 year old. My parents pushed me in a stroller, they couldn’t get a taxi and I began to cry. My mom was so pissed off hearing me cry, took me from the stroller and wanted to slam me down on the pavement until my dad grabbed me away from her.
At this point, ironically, I smiled in relief. So after a life time of soul searching, I wasn't the rotten egg :) 

I grew up thinking I was crazy,  because my mom is a happy-go-lucky, extrovert person on the outside. My friends and cousins told me how lucky I was to have such a funny and supportive mother. I could only smile and doubted my own sanity.
As long as I can remember, I couldn't wait until I finished school and was able to go abroad to pursue higher education. So did my siblings, I guess. I can't speak for them, but from what I perceived, all of us just wanted to get out of the house, away from her rage and insecurities.  

Well, but we all survive :) My sister grows up to be a kind-hearted, cheerful person and my brother is now a very perceptive and stable person. And all ends (hopefully) well :)

* I went to Germany after graduating high school. I was free to explore and express my own opinions, but sadly I also showed some significant signs of BPD. 
Now I'm back in my hometown and, again, trying to cope with mom's emotional roller coaster ride. I'll write about this in another chapter :)


July 13, 2012

Ignorance of the brain-washed

*A post I wrote around a year ago. Before the death of my Christianity. Totally invested with arrogance :)

I still remember about someone who evangelized to me, saying that I would never be truly happy without Christ in my life. There's a void in my soul, which can only be filled by the holy spirit. I need to follow my heart, ask God to touch my heart, shutting down my reasoning, knowledge and brain.

I used to think maybe he's right and sincerely asked,"Is it really that easy? To shut down our brain and stop questioning?"
He answered,"Of course. Been there, done that. Just let it happen and without you realizing it, you'll probably start speaking in tounges. I'll support you." And he gave me a very reassuring smile.
Me: "Ok. Guide me."

After a while, I started to ask him a lot of questions about the bible, the church history, etc. How disappointed I was that he could never answer my questions and berate me for asking instead.

His typical response of my biblical questions is "I can't answer that. I've never questioned it. I just believe. I'll pray that God answers your questions directly."
His response of questions about the history of bible, first catholic church, crusades, etc : "What's crusade? Never heard of it. Well, I'm not interested in history as well. It's about the essence of a relationship with God. Just ignore the history. History can be tainted as well"
His response to evolution: "There's no proof of evolution. If there were evolution, why do monkeys still exist?"

I was exasperated.. It's so obvious that he never read anything apart from the Bible. This is a type of guy who never had friends from different religions nor backgrounds, never bothered to read nor watch "secular" stuffs, cringed everytime I mentioned my gay friends, saw his history and biology lessons in school as huge lies and propaganda against his belief. So are his fundamentalist church friends, unfortunately. It's really a pity seeing how far they would limit themselves.. How cozy they are in their box, closing their eyes, rejecting different ideas, people, the possibility that maybe there're other worlds out there.
I called them christian Taliban, who would burn Copernicus for saying the earth isn't the center of the universe, if they had the chance.

I told him quite arrogantly (I'm not proud of this),"You can't make me see that your restaurant is the best, if you've never eaten in other restaurants before. Go broaden your horizon. Read more about the world you're living in, ask questions about the history of your own belief, as it's ironic that I know more about your own belief than you. Stop focusing on the afterlife and make the most of your present life. Make more friends from different backgrounds, learn about other beliefs out there. Get out of your box. And we'll talk when you're there."

I know he won't. He's warm enough in the box, why would someone leave the nest if they could stay?

As for now, I'm still not sure of what true happiness really means, but I've experienced that fear of afterlife, damnation of my original sin, castration of freedom and intellectual eunuchism in Christianity do not bring me happiness.

Bittersweet Irony

I just felt the urge to comment on something irrelevant and unimportant :D
I was browsing on Facebook and saw a someone's profile picture on a friend's wall.

Profile name: I hate you (;D no kidding)
Profile picture: A local gospel album cover: God will have his way

I know, I know, she can do whatever she wants to, it's none of my business. But wouldn't it be nicer if she put on a Scream 2 poster or if she's so musical, Rammstein instead :D

The Art of Happiness


I have just recommended this book to a friend who had enough of religious dogmas (he was a moslem, fyi) and is looking for a more realistic/practical way to spirituality.
To be honest, I've read this book like ten years ago, having stolen the book from my parent's collection, but had completely forgotten what I read back then. Until recently, out of urgency of relieving myself and obsessive necessity of reading something, I just happened to grab this book.

This book is written by an american psychologist, who had the privilege of having discussions with H.H Dalai Lama. He questioned Dalai Lama's buddhist teaching with his western way of thinking, medical background, aggressive dualism, and selfishness.. to which I can relate so well. Regardless of my asian ethnicity, I grew up in a somewhat western environment. I went to a catholic school for 12 years, grew up reading western literature (from Enid Blyton to George Orwell), watching Disney channel and living in Germany for almost a decade did erode my being eastern.

What I like about the author, Howard Cutler, is his honesty about his frustration and confusion in dealing with the passive approach of Buddhism, how he finally realized how arrogant he was in hanging on to his direct psychoanalytical approach. I can see that he's not a spiritual guru. He's just.. me, a skeptical person who's brainwashed by the arrogance of modern education and religious dualism, questioning and looking for some answers in an unknown realm.. who in the end gained some enlightening insights to the concept of happiness, compassion and peace of mind. Not forgetting the Dalai Lama, I just love how he shows his tolerance and compassion, sharing his knowledge to non buddhist commoners like Dr. Cutler and me.





July 12, 2012

Dear you


This post is dedicated for someone who had been one of my greatest teachers in life, showing me what patience, stability, self esteem and integrity really mean.

Living with someone who’s highly unstable had made me realized how despicable I myself was back then. Sweating the small stuffs, extreme and unpredictable mood swings, dominating and controlling, splitting and thinking in black and white, being always right, getting hysterical over past hurts, immature and impulsive behaviors. I guess I have made your life a living hell and I am terribly sorry for all the emotional roller coaster rides I had put you through.

The biggest credit goes to you for being patient, strong and cool headed in dealing with me. It must be exhausting having to tiptoe on eggshells, not knowing when the lightning bolt would strike. Having lived for a few months in this madness exhausted me to the point I felt the urge to break free.

Still, you showed great love and patience, stayed with me for all those years. Having been blind and self righteous, I took you for granted. I blamed you for everything, never even paused to look within.

And when you finally decided to do the right thing and left, still I blamed you. But now I see and am very thankful that you taught me about consequences. The curtain has lifted and I finally learned about my own flaws.  Thank you for loving me, for playing a huge role in my way of finding myself.

Wherever you are, whatever you do, from the bottom of my heart, I wish you all the happiness you really deserve, the one I had deprived you of. So long, live well, my dear friend. 

June 30, 2012

Es kommt wie es kommen muss



Vielleicht haben wir uns überschätzt
Gehofft, dass aus den Differenzen Liebe wächst
Doch ich weiß nicht ob das reicht
Wieviel Zeit uns noch bleibt
Es kommt wie es kommen muss
Doch wenn es sein muss, kämpf' ich bis zum Schluss
Wir haben uns überschätzt
Wir haben gehofft, dass aus Differenzen noch Liebe wächst
Wir haben befürchtet das irgendwann alles kommt wie es muss
Und doch kämpfen wir beide noch bis zum Schluss

Keiner will die Konsequenzen tragen und das ist das Dilemma
So wird mit jedem Gespräch unsere Gnadenfrist verlängert
Und immer wieder beteuert das sich jetzt Vieles ändert
Immer wieder neue Versuche die dann im Alten enden
Denn nach der Zeit, sind die Rollen verteilt
Wir wollen die Muster ignorieren, doch sie explodieren bei der Kleinigkeit
Und das ist so ermüdend
Wir haben versucht zueinander zu finden, fanden jedoch nur das wir uns selbst belügen
Warscheinlich haben wir es von Anfang an schon gewusst
Wir sind zu verschieden, dass man für jeden Frieden erstmal kämpfen muss
Wie Paradox ist das?
Wobei doch eigentlich Liebe für mich die Zuflucht sein soll wo ich Waffen fallen lass'

Und natürlich seh ich das Schöne und bisher überwiegt es
Gott weiß ich lieb dich und halt fest egal wie schwer die Kritik ist
Doch auch ich habe begrenzte Kräfte, es gleitet aus meinen Händen
Versuch meine Emotionen noch zu kontrollieren und verdräng
Ich will Chancen geben, nochmal und nochmal wir haben es verdient
Es wär katastrophal im Streit und Affekt diesen Strich zu ziehen
Ich kann nicht mehr länger kämpfen, ich kann nich mehr länger stehen
Und ich kann nichts mehr für uns tun, wir zwei werden untergehen

June 6, 2012

Why we hold on to the past

I remember, once I couldn't find an answer to a retort passed by a friend, when I asked him why he kept rewinding painful memories and kept holding on to past hurts.
He answered,"You're crazy. I'm not holding on! Which human being wants to hurt themselves?"
That is a very good question.

Since I am lucky enough to have an acute memory loss and ever dying brain cells, I don't really reminisce about the past often. But I know many people who just won't let go, even though they know for sure that those past memories hurt. I never understand why they consciously prefer to hold on to the pain.

Today I found the answer.

People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar. - Thich Nhat Hanh

Word!

50 Questions that will free your mind

I found this article a few days ago and thought that this is really cool. Some questions I cant answer yet. Not at the moment. Maybe as I grow more mature and adapt to life changes, the time will come when I can answer them. 
Maybe you could try answering these Qs honestly as well :) Just to reflect.

These questions have no right or wrong answers
Because sometimes asking the right questions is the answer.

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?   
Hm. 21. Seriously. I dont feel the pressure of settling down soon, I still love to travel, play hard, and to be free to enjoy life.  Unlike other people of my true age  

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
the latter. I've failed a couple of times, but never regretted the failures. At least I've tried. 

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
Maybe because we dont really realize how short life is. Youth is always wasted on stuffs that dont matter, isnt it

4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
I think until this point I'm still saying more than doing.  

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
Dogmatic religions and hatred they've caused

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
The kind that forces me to keep thinking and evolving.

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
I'm not 100% sure yet as I just started doing this. But I can say, atm I do believe in what Im doing.

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
I wouldnt spend so much time worrying about other people's plans and opinion about me since a very young age. Hm, but when we were young, we would think 40 years is a very long time and would still waste our youth, haha.

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
I control how I react to things that happened to me

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
Hell if I know the answer to this. Dont even know the definition of what is right and what is wrong.

11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?
I speak up for my friend. Always did, to the extent that some of my friends said jokingly,"Look, she's trying to be Jesus again." xD

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
Never let people define who you are and what you're worth. 

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
Sure will

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
Yes. Business moves by seafood chain restaurant D'Cost for example

15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
I do not whine and wallow in pain

16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
We're all different. It's the same the other way around as well.  

17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What's holding you back?
Living in France :D Work n family responsibilities

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
Yes. And I'm trying my best to let go 

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
France. No specific reason, I just want to. haha 

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
Hehe. Guilty. I know it doesnt make it go any faster, but patience is not my middle name. 

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
Joyful simpleton lah. Ignorance is bliss.  

22. Why are you, you?
Actually Im not Zen enough to understand this Q. But I guess because of the choices I made, the falls and risks I took.

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
I try my best  

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
the 2nd one

25. What are you most grateful for?
my dad who taught me all about a healthy mind 

26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
Lose all old memories. What are old memories for anyway? 

27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
I dont know about others. But for me, No. Seeing is believing.  
"Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Nor because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it." Buddha

28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
Yes, it is called a self fulfilling prophecy. haha. The more I'm afraid of something, the sooner it happens. Unconsciously I was doing everything to make it come true by being paranoid. 

29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?
Nop. I am lucky to have short and long term memory loss :p  

30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special?
Don't remember.  

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
Dancing freely to the samba music in the park with dear friends, sun on my face and beer on my hand.   

32. If not now, then when?
Later?

33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
Huh?

34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?  
Yes. I miss that time 

35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
The so called religious people twist everything up. Thinking that they're whichever god's representatives to judge and punish those who don't embrace the same dogma. 

36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
Nop. There's always a grey zone.  

37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
If by quitting you mean retire, no. If taking a break for a few months then yes.  

38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
more work please.  

39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
Today? Unfortunately yes 

40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? 
last week

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
my family

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?  
Nop!

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
Being alive : merely breathing, existing. 
Truly living : we face and do those things we fear, get out of our comfort zones, listen to our inner child, living the up and down of life and embracing change

44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
When there's only me to be responsible to 

45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
Mistake hurts. We're afraid of the pain, not the lesson itself

46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
Cant remember. The mind is too jumbled up :(

48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
Happiness, be it mine or other's. And yes :)

49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that?
You mean, the event that happened? Possibly yes. It was kinda special ;)

50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
Mine !!

June 1, 2012

Good intention is not good enough

Out of nowhere an acquaintance, with whom I didn't keep in touch with for more than 10 years, texted me and told me that she's organizing a fundraising for the children in a garbage disposal slum area and asked me if I could donate. I declined.

Let me explain my refusal.

1. Fund transparency

When I asked to see the proposal, the event's run down, transparency's statement, she told me that she didn't have any.
She said that it was a personal initiative, not under a legal organization. 
Me: "Yes, it doesn't matter if it's personal or organized, how do we know that the money goes where it's supposed to go when there's no report?"
She: "I will explain personally to the donators what we will buy for the children with the money. It's based on trust really. Thank God our donators trust me."
Me: "Do the donators know you personally?
She: "Yes."
Me: "If I may say something, you can post about this event on a website or blog with the run down, fund transparency etc so the donators can see where the money goes to. I will help you spreading the words to my friends. Who knows, you might reach more hands."
She: "No, it's too bothersome. Our project is based on good intention and trust. And like I said, it's a personal thing, not organizational."

Honestly, sometimes good intention is not enough. We have to prepare the next steps, system and strategies. I mean, it's not that I don't trust her or anything but I certainly would like to minimize the risk that the money goes to wrong place. Ok, some people can say,"I donate with good intention. Where the money goes isn't my problem and it's God they have to answer to anyway." Not me though. I won't support good intentioned ignorance who might ends up in corruption. It's like donating clothes through charity boxes. I'm not generalizing all charity boxes, but do you know that some of those clothes ended up getting sold  for high prices somewhere and some children in third world countries are forced into slave labor to sort out the clothes piles. And stuffs that can't be worn will be simply dumped in some rivers. I watched a candid documentary on this a few years ago.

And I think we need to think about the beneficiary in the causes we're supporting. In this case,she needs to think more about the children. If she wants to help more, then it's essential for her to reach more donating hands. With her current system, all she'll reach is her inner circle. What about me and my friends, who might support her cause if she makes the extra effort for transparency.

I'm saying this from my own experience. I used to conduct a fundraising as well. The first few days I could only reach my close friends.. But since I wrote a blog, published the event's run down and donator's name, I got much more donation pouring in. My friends did help with the word spreading, but what made these people I didn't know personally wanted to donate? A student organization from Berlin did donate for my cause as well because they could have a follow up. By my simply creating a blog, people could personally cross check if the money went to the right place.And who benefited from this? The children I wanted to support.

I know I have a skeptic untrusting character. But I'm not the only one, I believe.
I dont' think she would make a good marketing manager :) According to the marketing principals, if you want to sell a product, you have to think about which market segment you're aiming for and prepare the correct strategies to earn their trust.

2. Personal credibility

Ok, maybe this is just me. If Bill Gates asked me to donate for his cause, I would probably do it without doubting what he wanted to do with the money. After all, he didn't need to corrupt my 20 dollars, did he?
As far as I know, this acquaintance of mine is by no mean a financially well off person. Not trying to degrade her or anything. But this information kinda made me double think in wanting to donate. Call me a bad negative thinking person, but I don't trust my money in the hands of people who have the big possibilities to corrupt it based on daily necessities. Let me explain using an extreme case.
 If I want to give out 100 USD for a certain beggar, I won't give the money to his beggar neighbor. Not that this neighbor is a bad person, but there's a big possibility that he desperately needs the money for his kid's food.
 
In a twisted way, this is called Branding. I used to attend a lecture about product branding. I learned that a credible person is very important to the image of a certain product, which is why many adv companies use positive public figures to promote their products. Even after a product's negative image, it's very important for the public to associate the product with a credible figure in the re-branding effort.

Seriously, I never mean to judge a person by his/her financial background.. But in this case, maybe I'm not as egalitarian as I thought I was, maybe it's the habit of my job that forces me to think about financial profit etc, but the blatant truth is she is not credible enough.
 






May 26, 2012

6 Habits of Truly Memorable People

In order to succeed, almost everyone—whether business owner or employee—must be memorable.

While you don't have to be The Most Interesting Man in the World, being known is one of the main goals of marketing, advertising, and personal branding.
Out of sight is out of mind, and out of mind is out of business.

But if your only goal is to be known for professional reasons, you're missing out. People who are memorable for the right reasons also live a richer, fuller, and more satisfying life. Win-win!
So forget the flashy business cards and personal value propositions and idiosyncratic clothing choices.
Here's how to be more memorable—and have a lot more fun.

1. Don't see. Do.

Can you speak intelligently about how clothing provides a window into the inner lives of Mad Men characters? Do you find yourself arguing about how the degree of depth lost in the Game of Thrones TV series as compared to the books?
Anyone can share opinions about movies or TV or even (I'll grudgingly admit) books. That's why opinions are quickly forgotten. What you say isn't interesting; what you do is interesting.

Spend your life doing instead of watching. Cool things will happen. Cool things are a lot more interesting and a lot more memorable.
That's especially true when you...

2. Do something unusual.

Draw a circle and put all your "stuff" in it. Your circle will look a lot like everyone else's: Everyone works, everyone has a family, everyone has homes and cars and clothes....
We like to think we're unique, but roughly speaking we're all the same, and similar isn't memorable.

So occasionally do something different. Backpack to the next town just to see how many people stop to offer you a ride. (Don't take them up on it, though. Unless you appear to be in distress, the people who want to give you a ride are the last people you want to ride with.)
Try to hike/scramble to the top of a nearby mountain no one climbs. (Trust me; take water.) Compete with your daughter to see who can swim the most laps in three hours. (If you live in my house you'll lose. Badly.)

Or work from a coffee shop one day just to see what you learn about other people... and about yourself.
Whatever you do, the less productive and sensible it is, the better. Your goal isn't to accomplish something worthwhile; the goal is to collect experiences.
Experiences, especially unusual experiences, make your life a lot richer and way more interesting. You can even...

3. Embark on a worthless mission.

You're incredibly focused, consistently on point, and relentlessly efficient.
You're also really, really boring.

Remember when you were young and followed stupid ideas to their illogical conclusions? Road trips, failing the cinnamon challenge, trying to eat six saltine crackers in one minute without water... you dined out on those stories for years.

Going on "missions," however pointless and inconvenient, was fun. In fact the more pointless the more fun you had, because missions are about the ride, not the destination.

So do something, just once, that adults no longer do. Drive eight hours to see a band. Buy your seafood at the dock. Or do something no one else thinks of doing. Ride along with a policeman on a Friday night (it's the king of all eye-opening experiences.)

Pick something it doesn't make sense to do a certain way and do it that way. You'll remember it forever—and so will other people.

4. Embrace a cause.

People care about—and remember—people who care. When you stand for something you stand apart.
But...

5. Let other people spread the word.

People who brag are not remembered for what they've done; they're remembered for the fact they brag.
Do good things and other people will find out. The less you say, the more people remember.

6. Get over yourself.

Most of the time your professional life is like a hamster wheel of resume or C.V. padding: You avoid all possibility of failure while maximizing the odds of success in order to ensure your achievement graph climbs up and up and up.
Inevitably, that approach starts to extend to your personal life too.

So you run... but you won't enter a race because you don't want to finish at the back of the pack. You sing... but you won't share a mic in a friend's band because you're no Adele. You'll sponsor the employee softball team but you won't play because you're not very good.

Personally and professionally, you feel compelled to maintain your all-knowing, all-achieving, all conquering image.
And you're not a person. You're a resume.

Stop trying to seem perfect. Accept your faults. Make mistakes. Hang yourself out there. Try and fail.
Then be gracious when you fail.
When you do, people will definitely remember you because people who are willing to fail are rare... and because people who display grace and humility, especially in the face of defeat, are incredibly rare.

 http://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/6-habits-of-truly-memorable-people.html

Secret to happiness

I had people asking me how is it possible to laugh a lot and still have a positive attitude towards life.. Maybe they see that my life isn't exactly a fairy tale.  Well, after some thinking, this is the recipe that works for me..

- Life isn't easy and we can't choose what happens to us. But we can always choose to smile or to whine.
- Open up your mind. See things from different perspectives. Try standing on the floor, on the table, everywhere, to get new angles.
- Do not stop learning. Be it from a child or a professor.
- Think positively about other people.
- Always try to see the silver lining in every situation.
- Don't pretend to be what you are not. Embrace your fortes and flaws
- Do to others what as you would have them do to you
- Don't care too much about what other people think of you. What they think of us is none of our business.
- Bad things happen to good people. Expecting that you're spared from bad things because you're a good person is like expecting a bull not to attack you because you're a vegetarian
- Let go of the pain and hurt.
- Do not harbor hatred and resentment.
- Forgive quickly, forget the deeds but keep the lesson.
- Do not wallow on the past. We make mistakes, learn and move forward
- Live in the moment
- Be ready for change. Don't expect things or people to stay the way they are. Even the earth keeps revolving.
- Remember: The only certain thing is uncertainty
- You can't control everything
- Don't make someone a priority when you're only an option
- Everybody deserves happiness. I repeat. Everybody.
- Don't judge people using our own lenses. Everyone has their own stories
- Don't over think. You will create a problem that isn't there in the first place
- Be spontaneous
- Stop worrying about the future. Do our best for today, and que sera sera. 
- If you're feeling sad or depressed, remember nothing lasts forever. Not even your sadness
- Sometimes, it is what it is.
 
Oh, and this too :)

Wishing others their karma

Someone I know posted many status updates on Facebook about someone she's currently having a huge problem with.

" The more she covered everything up the more she is going to show her true colour! GOD is great :)"

 "I know that GOD is not blind and she will get her karma sooner or later"

These kind of status updates made me think.. Ok, apparently she's a devoted Christian who gives her God all the glory, but what about the main point of christianity, about forgiving people who mistreated her?
Hm, it makes me proud to be an agnostic. 

A friend of mine just had her heart broken as her BF cheated on her with another girl. She kept saying,"Why am I so miserable and he's so happy now? Where's the fairness? But I believe karma exists. He'll reap what he sow".

Why do we have to wish others their bad karma? Because they hurt us?
Before you say I am not hurt and can't relate to them, let me put things straight. I was hurt deeply quite recently.
I used to be very angry at that someone but even in my anger, I never wished him his karma.
Ok, I got hurt. But maybe that person didn't intentionally mean to hurt me. He was just doing what he knows best. To everything there's a reason, perhaps that's the way he was brought up in the family.
What I know is that everybody deserves their own happiness.

Maybe he got his happiness by hurting other people. But I am supposed to be happy that I helped someone to get his happiness, aren't I?
I know, its easier said than done. But to tell you the truth, I was happy that he's happy, even though I was hurt.
As for me, at that time, I told myself, my turn would come. I deserved to be happy, just like everybody else, and I would be happy eventually. And guess what, I AM happy :)

I pity these people who harbor resentment and hatred towards others who hurt them, who wish people their karma and prayed that god wouldnt turn a blind eye on their pain by punishing those 'culprits'.

I don't really care if god has the time to hold revenge for them or if karma exists. All I care about is my own peace of mind. And what I know is that harboring those negative feelings is poisonous for me.  

And wouldn't they be more resentful if those 'culprits' live a joyful and fulfilling life when they prayed every night for the culprit's bad karma? Who would be more miserable in the end? Well, I'm glad that it wouldn't be me. I choose to let go. And let everyone find their own happiness.

Am I naive? Maybe.
Naive and happy.




May 23, 2012

Wear Sunscreen

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists
whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…
I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth;
oh never mind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….
You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind;
 the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts,
Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…
the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults;
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…
The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives,
some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t,
maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary… what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either
Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can… don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..

Dance… even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle
because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard;
live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old,
and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable,
politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse;
but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal,
wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen…

*"Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young"